How I Got Here

216. I wanted to curl up in a ball when I read that number on the scale. To even put that number out there in the universe makes me a little bit nauseated and embarassed. Those who have known me most of my life have known me as this girl:

I was active, outgoing, and strong. At my most active I was 137lbs (though that was toooooooo skiny according to 95% of my friends and family) I was the girl that would look at people with weight issues and say "I don't understand how someone can get that big, I freak out when the scale goes up 4lbs".

Then I got pregnant with our daughter. Little did I know that is exactly the moment my weight struggle would begin. I weighed 198lbs when I gave birth to Lara.

After she arrived I was in new mom bliss, happy in my relationship and didn't pay much mind to my health or fittness. I got down to about 168 and stayed there. Steven and I got married a year later and I never felt that "I need to lose tons of weight for my wedding" feeling because I am lucky enough to have a man in my life who genuinely makes me feel loved, comfortable, and sexy NO MATTER WHAT.

Shortly after our wedding and Lara's 1st birthday we decided to try for baby Williams #2. Evidently all we had to do was utter the words "try for #2" because 3 short weeks later, we found out we were expecting Liam. I was much more nauseated and exhausted this time around and chasing after a rambunctious 18 month old + working a 40 hour a week job. When I got home from work, all I wanted to do was snuggle my daughter and husband, eat some MacDonalds Cheeseburgers with just ketchup (gross I know, but it was the ONLY thing that sounded good to my queasy stomach). The day I went in to have Liam I weighed 219 lbs. When he was born he developed an infection and spent the first 10 days of his life in the NICU which was stressful and tramatic. Being back and forth to the hospital for feedings every 3 hours, plus additional pumping to build up my milk supply dropped my weight to 198 in a week.

I am sad to report Liam is 18 months old now and I am almost as heavy as the day I had him. Sad. Disgusting and sad.

I found myself going through the "today is the day" moments. I have "done" wieght watchers, zumba, gym memberships, vegan eating, and a handful of other committments to myself. But I always seemed to get stressed and exhausted and inevitably threw in the towel. I would read stories of women who struggled with weight all their lives, had their babies, and found the motivation in their children to get it together. I felt like a bad mom because I didn't find that inspiration in my children. I make it a point to give them the best of the best, but my wellness was spiraling down the toilet. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 4 years. That is exhausting. Not an excuse, but exhausting. 2 weeks ago, I would look in the mirror of see pictures of myself and just be embaassed and disgusted. Bottom line....ew, gross, seriously Kari?

Now to the present. Liam stopped breastfeeding 3 1/2 weeks ago. I finally have my body back 100% to myself. I also incorporated Green Vibrance into my diet and that has helped my mood and outlook tremendously. I am gearing up for a 90 day session of Turbo Fire and while that is on its way to me I have been doing Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. For the FIRST TIME since my weight struggles began I feel Determined NOT TO FAIL. Steven even brought home Taco Bell the other night...and I didn't touch it. Progress people. It is incredible to me the level of determination I have found just in sticking to working in a workout during naptime every day for 7 days. I already feel happier and more empowered.

So I would like to invite you along on my journey back to fighting weight for myself and my family. Hopefully by putting this story "out in to the universe" I will be able to help someone else find that determination within themselves. Because I know I have never been weak. I just lost myself for a while.